Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Why I Hate the Olympics

Last night I set Stewart and Colbert on record, gritted my teeth and settled in to watch the Olympics up close and personal. This was my first look, having missed the magnificent opening ceremony with its computer-enhanced fireworks and dubbed nine-year-old songstress. Unfortunately, NBC added to Chinese Internet censorship by making it impossible for Mac users to access its Web site's replays of that opening ceremony. I guess they figure we Mac users don't matter because we think we're too smart for the Olympics.

We do. At least I do. I don't go for all that flag-waving crap, medal counts and opening graphics of past Olympics starring only American athletes. I could also do without the constant replays of the simian victory shouts of Michael Phelps. But those things are not why I hate the Olympics. Those are just the price of admission. The real torture is the first event of the evening, traditionally a sport you never heard of, with athletes you never heard of, that goes on almost as long as soccer.

Monday night it was synchronized diving, which is better than synchronized swimming because each team gets off the screen quicker due to the law of gravity. For a half hour (I quit and switched to "Antique Roadshow" at 8:30, saving Stewart and Colbert for later), pairs of adolescent guys in Speedos would leap off a platform and fly in formation into a pool while two commentators talked about their point of entry and other gibberish. Each pair of young guys then would haul themselves out of the pool and run giggling and smiling into the showers in full view of the cameras. A year or two younger and it would have been soft child porn.

"Why do they go right into the showers?" asked one commentator. "Because the pool is cold, and besides it's fun," replied the other.

At that point the only commentator I wanted to hear from was Cartman from "South Park." You know what he'd have to say about synchronized diving.

Tonight it's Stewart and Colbert live in synchronized satire, and record the Olympics. Fast forward, that's the event.


Jack at Fork & Bottle said...

Cartman would be the BEST Olympics announcer EVER.

Zoomie said...

I miss the Olympics of the '70s when Jim McKay was so good at highlighting the best stories, whether they were Americans or not. "Up Close and Personal" was great and Dick Button taught us what to look for in the arcane sport of ice skating. Ah, for the good old days...

dancingmorganmouse said...

I miss the our irreverent humorists HG & Roy and their show, The Dream with Roy and HG. It was the only thing worth watching during the Sydney and Athens events.

Moonbear said...

I'm so glad someone else is grossed out by some of that stuff. I got squirmy when the American gymnasts were doing that extremely macho team support routine. Gad amighty we already KNOW the USA is like just below God and Jesus on the greatness scale.
You'd think if they can get the athletes to agree to have gender testing they could get them to--
oh nevermind. I'll rant on my own blog and not mess yours up.
But I think if you hate the Olympics you might just be a commie.